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Ok, so it starts with us and the friends on the 50th floor of this massive condominium building. Its the middle of the day and the sun is really bright. Well I step off the elevator and Im wearing a black leather corset boy shorts black nlyons and black bordello pumps with my hair really big and wavy and my classic make up look. well I walk down this long corridor to these massive Dark wood double doors that have a massive onyx metal knocker on it. the symbol i cant recognize but the creature on it looks like a demon. I knock it once and both doors swing open with two finely dressed men in all black suits at either part of the door. As I walk through into the condo suite it opens up to this massive round room with a sunk in living room with dark red lounging couches within the big circle. At the center was a massive black round wooden two tiered coffee table with steps leading up to the top and a pole coming from the top. on the bottom part was an arrange of glass bottles wines champagne and a massive hookah with 8 gold hoses coming from it. Sitting around in the lounge area was Matt knaggs Rose your brother Chris Wilson my friend Rich Ryan Stubel Ryan Alicia and a few random women all wearing scantily clad but very sexy dark looking out fits. everyone dressed to the nines the guys all rocking suits that fitted their particular tastes and rose in an emerald corseted dress with black pumps
ok …. well theres like rock music playing and everyones having a good time and i walk over to the group give everyone hugs and knaggs tells me to close my eyes and stick out my tongue and ill get a treat so i comply. He pulls what looks like a little piece of dark purple paper in the shape of a small square and places it on my tongue i swallow it open my eyes and smile give him a hug thank him and walk away. Well as I leave the expansive living room i walk down one of the long hall ways thats to the right of the room. As I walk through this long hall way I pass a bunch of red doors along either side what seemed like rediculous distances between each one . I finally make it to the end of the hall to these massive Black marble doors finely details and etched with demonic forms skeletons and angels not fighting but dancing within clouds and smoke. I push my way through and quickly shut the door behind me. As I stand in the entrance of the room I take a knee immediately and look to the ground . “You summoned me ? ” I say ( note that all of this is like third person which is weird for me ) I hear a low rumble and here foot steps walking towards me. The steps stop in front of me and something lands at my feet. A full Neck Black leather collar with a ring on the front and back of it lays at my feet. I quickly take it and put it on as gracefully as I can without taking my eyes off of the floor. I finally hear your voice ” Stand my pet. We have business to discuss” I look up to see you hair cut short eyes glowing and you wearing black Dress pants A black suit jacket unbuttoned no shirt and Black dress shoes You give me your hand to stand and I pull myself up. We begin to walk deeper into the expansive room which Has Massive Floor to ceiling windows allowing the afternoon sun to shine off the gorgeous dark interior somewhat giving it life. To the left is a massive ornate four poster bed …
with red linens and black lace and silk pillows along with sheer curtains hanging along every side to hide it away. to the right is a massive sitting area with black victorian plush lounge chairs and a bar along the back wall with a many different assortment of alcohol and other beverages. towards the windows on the right side is an alcove that hides away a gorgeous bathroom with a black clawfoot tub massive glass paned stand in shower with water fall shower head and seating all around the edge. Towards the center of the room is …
has another sunk in seating area with black cushioning lining it and a massive circular structure with sexual devices hanging from it almost as of that of a display case. Behind this massive seating area is a large onyx marble crafted throne like chair dead center of the room but closer to the windows facing the outside. We walk deeper within the room finally taking place on the right side closer to the bar. As you take a seat in one of the victorian chairs I kneel at your feet and look up awaiting what you called me for.
I see you rub your temples and close your eyes a look of frusteration on your face. “Whats troubling you ? ” I ask. You look down at me and smirk lightly your eyes glowing a vivid gold. I look down to keep from getting in trouble for staring to long and i feel you reach down and lightly lift my chin up with one hand. I look up again to see your eyes have gone black but seem softer easier for me to handle. You lean back and lightly pat your hand on your knee. I raise myself to sit on your lap wrapping my one arm around you and bringing your head to rest against my chest. I lightly run my fingers through the back of your hair and you sigh deeply. I feel the tension begin to unwind from your neck and shoulders as I have you relax against me ” What has you in so much torment Dias?” You responded with ” This kingdom Ive created I’ve created to protect my friends and loved ones. All this power can still be overwhelming. I called on you because you understand that not every form of relaxation has to be partying and drinking. I wish to know sanctuary. I wish to know peace. Can you give me these things?”
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Cloudly with a chance of love…
Corny I know, but I gotta do something to pull myself out of these depressing feelings.
Days are starting to blur together and it’s only been a couple days. This sucks, so much. God what the hell did I do?! I never really stop and think about what Im doing it seems anymore. How can I ? It feels like I haven’t been in control of anything that has been happening these past couple of years. I do damn near everything that Im told but I dont at the same time. This makes no sense what so ever. Its just aggravating with all thats going on.
Im just glad I fell off of this completely unrealistic cloud when I did otherwise I would’ve ended up ruining myself in the long run. The only thing is this isn’t stopping it from hurting, but it’s making me focus on what I want for myself …
What I really want for myself, and all I really want is to be happy.
I want to be able to have my own place, my own car, a good job hell I’ll work 6 if thats what it takes, my own ideas, my own space, my own life, to do what I want when I want.
I can’t afford to take this chance I’ve been given for granted. Not again.
Sure in the next few coming months, hell years I may look back and still wonder or even pray for a what if situation, but all I know is I cant wait around for ever. I shouldnt have to , especially for something I know will never happen.
All this time Ive been putting my hope , love , and emotion into something I knew would never grow. I just wish it hadnt taken so long for me to realize what I was doing to myself.
Well thats all for now. My brain needs rest and I have much needed music awaiting to fuel my soul. Buenos Noches Luna. All of my love to you <3
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An apology I dont have the courage to speak…
I can only pray this gets to you in time…
Don’t forget about me.
Don’t leave me alone in a world that was made for us.
It was wrong of me to ask so much of you.
But isn’t that what we always do?
Pushing one another to keep moving forward.
To stay strong in a world so wrong.
I only wanted you to be happy.
I thought you would be happy with me.
I never expected things to be this way.
I had just hoped that you would’ve had faith in me.
I guess I was wrong.
Dont leave me behind like a long lost memory.
I don’t want to me that thought.
I want to be your present your future.
Regardless of where I stand.
I can only hope that these feelings are fleeting.
My soul is my own to tame.
But my heart has never been mine though.
It’ll belong to you in the end.
So do with it what you please.
I’ll continue to live for me.
I’ll make the best of this life I’ve been offered.
Don’t ever forget about me.
You’ve been a glorious foundation on this road that I journey.
You have been everything and more.
You will always be the star in my eyes.
Or the warm sunset on the shore.
I was guided to you for reasons unknown.
But regardless of not knowing I am content.
I just hope you can forgive my overwhelming emotions.
And my soul even though it is spent.
I stay strong for myself but with the help of your words.
Of encouragement and strength.
You give me faith in things I’ve never had.
Things that I should always keep.
I am stronger now because of you.
No one else could’ve have done it but you.
You stayed by my side.
Regardless of darkness.
We saw each other through.
I can only hope to continue to love you the only way I may be allowed.
I’ll keep my feelings to myself.
So I may stay upon this cloud.
Im a dreamer at heart and its crazy that we’ve gotten this far in life.
I’ll never forget all the good times and bad.
You’ll always be apart of my life.
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you.
I never meant you harm.
I can only pray that soon some day I’ll be free of this Dev’hols charm.
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My Love
Its not something to take advantage of.
Its not something you can ignore.
Its not something that you can get anywhere else.
When I love, I give everything and more.
I know my heart is gentle.
I know my heart is kind.
I know my heart is fragile.
I know my heart is blind.
That doesn’t mean it can be put asside or tossed away in the dark.
When I gave my love to you I knew it was because we’ll never part.
I know its not what you want to hear, but I need to tell the truth.
Ever since the day we met, I haven’t spent a day not loving you.
I know that I will never have you, and I guess that’s the way it must be.
Now that we’re older, I’ve grown to learn that your friendship is all I need.
I wish I would’ve seen it sooner, so my heart wouldn’t have to break.
I hope that you take this seriously because this is my life at stake.
I don’t want to be hurt any more.
I don’t want to writhe and bleed.
I’ve tormented myself with this unrealistic love.
I feel ashamed because without you I feel like nothing.
I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me.
I thought things had changed in my favor, but they haven’t and I doubt they ever will.
I know I gotta let it go.
Im sorry that I’ve put you in this position, but you’re my friend and its only fair that you know.
I dont know if I’ll ever be free of this long and tormenting love.
But regardless of what happens between us, I’ll lock it away so I may rise above…
this cruel and agonizing feeling of want, yearning, and need.
Even as I stand by your side, I’ll hide all I have and all Ive ever had…
For you.
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Power
I always thought I was in control but now I know its been you all along and Im honestly fine with it . I wouldn’t have it any other way either.
I dont always know why you do the things you do but all I know is that its for the best for both of us and thats all that matters. I just wish I knew what was going on.
I know Im not ready but if I at least knew what my goals were to be for the future I could do so much better to work towards them.
Please let me understand a little of what I will be doing with my life.
I know you’ll at least let me know when I’m ready, and honestly I’m doing the best I can.
I feel completely lost and vunerable without knowing where I am going and what I am doing with my life.
I know I will be strong. I know I will succeed. I will not fail. I can’t afford to. Not this time.
Please just tell me the truth.
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Questions that will never be answered…
Why ?
Why did you hurt me?
Why did you leave me?
Don’t you love me ?
How could you honestly do that to me after how much you’ve meant to me?
You are my world.
I’ll never understand why you did what you did.
I’ve always loved you. I’ve never stopped loving you no matter how much I’ve hated you for what you put me through.
It kills me each day I wake up knowing that I don’t know where you are.
Knowing that I may never have the chance to make peace with you.
I know you’re out there some where, I just wish I knew where.
I pray I can find you one day.
I pray that you are alright.
I thought it was my fault you left.
For the longest time I let myself take the blame, but not anymore.
Im grown now. I understand you probably had your reasons.
I just wish I knew why.
I hope that someday, I’ll be able to see your face again.
You’ve always made me happy.
I miss you so much it hurts.
I love you.
I always will.
I’ll never give up.
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Feels like I’m losing my mind
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I have been having black outs more and more frequently within these passed few days. They are actually starting to become consistent, but they weren’t at first. Either way it’s scaring me. People don’t normally have these problems, so why am I ? All these racing thoughts, vivid dreams, and voices. Its begining to become to much for me to handle.
I have this song stuck in my head too. Well at least it sounds like a song at least. I feel the rythym and it hits me to my core. I can’t understand the words that I do hear but they are so soft, sultry , and beautiful it sounds like angels singing.
My heart is so heavy right now and I don’t know why. I’m trying so hard to do for me now, but others keep coming to the forefront of my mind. I don’t know why I’m so worried about it . Well, I guess I’m more worried subconciously than anything, but I still know that I am worried and its very aggravating.
I don’t even remember writing my last three posts AT ALL. It feels like Im not even me anymore. Like Im being controled. I feel so cold these days. It hurts so much. I just wish it would go away.
Im so tired. I just want it to end.
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How much bad will I have to go through just to get to the good?
How much more will I be able to handle before I snap? Before I shatter? Before I die?
Why is it so hard to find the real answers?
Love is evoL and so are you.
We never stood a chance.
I never stood a chance.
I’ll never be able to change where my heart lies.
I wish I could.
Then I’d be free.
Of pain.
Of regret.
Of torment.
Of You.
I never want you to let go though.
How is it possible?
How could you ever be so important?
I know I never will be to you, regardless of what you say.
It feels like no one can save me.
Your words have felt hollow for far too long.
I wish they didn’t. I pray they change, but they never do.
You only use me as your pawn. Your toy. Your property.
I feel useless until you call. I feel so dissatisfied with myself after I’ve helped you.
Knowing you are using me for your own goals.
I’ve never used you like that. I never will.
I feel like nothing without you.
Why does it hurt so much?
I feel hopeless.
You are the only one that can make me hurt so much, and yet still I stay for you.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll last in this life till I snap.
I want to do for me.
I want to be free.
I want to Fly.
I can never go on without you though.
Why do you do this to me?
A question I know you’ll never be able to answer.
I will never expect anything from you.
My soul aches to be rid of these chains you’ve set upon me.
Never more in my existance have I felt like bird caged and hidden in darkness.
You think I’m safe even though you’re killing me slowly.
You are the the only one I will ever willingly suffer for.
I feel like I can let you go now, even though you won’t let go of me.
You never have you never will.
You wonder why I care ? You wonder why I do what I do?
I do these things you hate so much to push myself away from you.
So I may be at peace.
You don’t and will never realize how much pain you put me through each day.
I rarely have happiness anymore, except within your smile.
Knowing that I make you happy nourishes my soul.
Makes me glow.
I feel like fire when Im around you.
The rush of it. The warmth. The roar of the flame as it dances and sparks.
You make me feel alive.
And yet, when you are gone from me.
It ends.
Everything ends.
The flames go out. Grow cold and dark.
Why is our love, our friendship, our time together so hopeless?
Will it ever end? For you? For me?
Even if it does, we will still be here.
All I want is the truth.
I don’t want to be lied to anymore.
You’ve never been honest with me. I don’t know what I have ever done to deserve this.
I’ve had it with you. Just tell me. Tell me the truth.
Please don’t lie to me anymore.
I just want the pain to go away.
I just want to be happy again.
With or without you.
I love you no matter what.
No one will ever understand how much this hurts.
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